The age-old question—when are you having baby #2? Isn’t it funny how there’s always a next question for you to think about. Because as a society, we have these “standards” that we’re expected to live by…go to school to get an education, go to college to get a degree, get a job to make money, find a spouse to get married, buy a house to start a family, start said family and have two kids (a boy and a girl), and live happily ever after. Screw the “white picket fence” stigma that we’re expected to live by.
I know I veered a bit off topic, but I am passionate about what society deems as ‘what we should do’ in life. Everyone lives different lives, with different dreams and different goals. And having kids is one of society’s expectations. If you want 10 kids, great. If you don’t want kids, that’s also great. There shouldn’t be this expectation that women need to have kids in order to live a fulfilling life.
While I never dreamed of having a big family, I knew I would like kid(s) one day. Yes, I had the stereotypical 2 kids in mind—a boy first, followed by a girl (as I grew up in that environment, having 1 older brother myself). My husband (boyfriend at the time) and I, of course, discussed kids before marriage (as everyone should do, as it’s a very important topic to be aligned on), and we had 2 kids in mind, but that was before we knew what having a child would be like.
My husband would joke about have 0 to 1 kids, and before we had our daughter I would laugh and say no, two kids! However, my thoughts have dramatically shifted since having our daughter and the decision to have more kids. I’m here to share my journey about the decision to have a second child.
Why This Question Came Up
After baby #1 it seems like the thought of baby #2 comes up immediately. This stems from multiple sources; the first being doctors asking about birth control methods right after giving birth. My OB had even asked me during pregnancy what my husband and I were considering for birth control methods for after birth. This question came up again at my 6 week postpartum appointment.
My OB had recommended to wait 12-18 months before trying for another baby, and that was completely fine with me and my husband. So here we are, 18 months postpartum and the discussion around baby #2 has come up (again). Granted, there were MULTIPLE times before this moment that the topic of baby #2 has come up.
A lot of the discussions around baby #2 have come from outside “pressures”. For example, we have friends who are now pregnant with their first baby. There’s also people who I was pregnant with at the same time that are now pregnant with their second baby. We also have friends who had a baby after us and are now pregnant again. And then there’s societal pressure from social media/ media (tv shows/ movies) that influence us to think about having a second child.
Life Right Now
A Day in the Life with One Child
At this point in time, when our daughter is 18 months old, I would like to think we have a pretty good routine going with her. A ‘typical’ day for us includes waking her up around 7:00am, spending an hour in the morning getting her ready and feeding her breakfast, and then taking her to daycare around 8:00am. Our daughter is at daycare while my husband and I work from home (~8:00am – 5:00pm). We then pick her up from daycare around 5:00pm and hang out until dinner around 5:30pm/6:00pm. Dinner can vary in length from 15-45 minutes. On some days we do bath time; other days we continue to play downstairs until around 7:00pm. We then head upstairs to her room at 7:00pm and play/ read books/ drink milk before putting her down for bed between 7:30pm-8:00pm.
This has been our routine for a while now, obviously with some days being different (especially weekends when we have plans). But for the most part, we have a general routine with our daughter, and to be honest, I like having a routine. Routines are good for babies and a routine helps me just as much as our as our daughter.
On these ‘typical’ days my husband and I do everything together (unless one of us has to go into the office, then there are some days it may just be one of us with her). The ~4 waking hours we have with our daughter is spent as a family of 3. I like having my husband there with me to go through this daily routine with. Like I said, if one of us is caught up with work or another activity, then it’ll just be one of us with our daughter, which is also fine, but it’s fun to have all of us together, especially during the work week when we get so little wake time with her.
Having my husband with me for the daily routines helps me feel less exhausted, as I know we can depend on each other to take over certain parenting tasks if the other one of us is overwhelmed or busy. I feel like we’re at a steady spot with just the 3 of us.
The Possibilities with One Child
Having one child would allow my husband and I more parental freedom (for more alone time, both together and individually), as well as financial flexibility. We would be able to continue to have our family of 3 time, as well as individual one on one time with our daughter. Further, we would be able to travel with our daughter more easily, as there would only be one child to handle. I want to show my daughter the world, and I think that can happen sooner (rather than later) if we only have one child.
As an only child, we would foster an independent and creative child with more one on one time as well as social interactions with peers. We would give her a wonderful life where she can thrive with her two loving parents, while also building friendships through daycare/ school. I know it’s still early, but right now our daughter is a social butterfly at daycare, and I can see her being an outgoing child (no idea where she gets it from, because my husband and I are not outgoing haha). She does have her shy moments, but I think her curiosity in other babies will lead her to making friends.
I consider the “only children are spoiled” to be a myth. I think there are ways to avoid spoiling children, as we want to teach our daughter about hard work and that we won’t give her everything she wants. I think it also helps that our daughter has 3 cousins (who live nearby) that she is close with, so she will have young family members to spend time with as well.
Fears
When I think about a second baby, I don’t have some warm, fuzzy feeling picturing a newborn baby. I don’t have baby fever when I see babies, or even when I look at photos of my daughter. Yes, the photos (and the babies) are adorable, but it doesn’t make me want another one.
To be honest, my feelings associated with having another baby are more fears of having another baby.
- Baby living up to standard of first daughter: I know I am biased, but I think our daughter set the expectation very high for a second child. And I know she’s only 18 months old, so there’s more time to come for other difficulties, but for the most part, she has been a phenomenal child. My fear is that 1) I will default compare my second child to our daughter (which isn’t fair) and 2) the second child will not live up to these fictional standards of being a good sleeper, eater, etc. (which I know again isn’t fair). Usually parents are lured into wanting a second child because of the first child being so “good,” but I feel the opposite—I am worried about having a second child because the first child is so “good.”
- Going through pregnancy, birth and postpartum again: All things considered, I had a relatively easy pregnancy and birth. I was very fortunate to not have any morning sickness; my worst pregnancy symptom was acid reflux (which peaked in the third trimester). I was also very fortunate that I was in and out of the labor & delivery room within 12 hours. I slept through 5cm with an epidural and pushed for maybe 30 minutes (on/off). While I did have a second degree tear, my recovery went pretty smoothly and wasn’t too painful. Postpartum is its own beast, so I definitely wouldn’t say that was easy, because it wasn’t. My fear is going through pregnancy and birth again and having it be the exact opposite. I also worry I won’t be able to handle pregnancy, birth or postpartum again. Maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit, but it is a fear for me.
- Going through breastfeeding and pumping again: I was fortunate that my daughter was able to latch and we got the hang of breastfeeding pretty quickly. But I know that all babies are different and breastfeeding might not go as smoothly. While I didn’t consider breastfeeding to be a pain, in the think the perception that I am the sole source of nutrition for my daughter weighted on me a lot. Further, I despised pumping—refer to my Pumping blog post for that discussion. I know that I don’t have to breastfeed, as we could turn to formula (a fed baby is a happy baby), but I also know that breastfeeding saves money. As such, selfishly, it is a fear having to go through breastfeeding and pumping all over again.
- Not having time for me and my husband: My husband and I have ~3 hours after we put our daughter down for bed for just the 2 of us. The world is our oyster at this time, and we can do anything we want (play video games with friends, veg out on the couch watching tv, intimate time, etc.). I love this time that we have together each day—I look forward to our nighttime routine together. And while yes, we would aim to get our second child in line with our daughter’s schedule (going to bed around 7:30-8:00pm), I know that it will take some time to get to that point. I know it’s only temporary, but I don’t think I’m ready to give up the time we do have together yet.
- Not having time for myself: Similar to the above fear, I worry that with two children I will have even less time for myself. It was hard enough after our daughter was born where I was the sole provider of her food (as I exclusively breastfed). It felt like I didn’t have any alone time (even though I could have alone time if I asked my husband, or during our daughter’s nap time/ bed time). I think a lot of that stems from the mental load that I carry, where there’s always something to be thinking about related to our daughter and it’s hard for me to turn my brain off, so I’m always thinking about her, even when I’m not with her. My fear of having 2 kids is that there won’t be any room left in my brain and I will never have that alone time again.
- Missing out on the growth of my first born: This one really hurts to think about, because I know that if we have a second child, I will plan to exclusively breastfeed, and therefore the newborn baby will consume more of my time. My husband will then be handling our daughter, while I’m handling our newborn. Yes, I know there’s alternative ways where we could switch off, but in general my husband and I’s time would be “divided” in that sense (me and baby #2 and my husband with our daughter). And I don’t want to miss out on my daughter growing up. Like I said, we only get ~4 waking hours with her a day, and if I’m with baby #2 then I feel like I will barely see my daughter. I see myself missing out on bath time and bedtime stories, and that hurts my momma heart. I would carry around this mom guilt of not making enough time for my daughter. I understand that this would be temporary, but it does make me not want to have a second child.
- Loss of Control: This one hits close to home too, as you know the Accounting Momma is Type A; I like control and I like having routines. Once baby #2 is added to the mix it feels like it would be impossible to keep to a routine, or a million times more difficult as our daughter will be on one routine, while baby #2 would be on a completely different routine. Eventually, years later, their routines should align, but for a while it seems like it would be utter chaos, and I’m not sure if I’m ready for that in my life. Again, I like to have routine and I like to have structure. When our daughter was born, I had to adjust; we were living on her time — she set the schedule, she made the plans as it all revolved around her. As she got older we were able to try to build a routine for her (daycare also helped with this), which has benefited not just her, but myself as well. My fear with having a second baby is that I will have to go through this loss of control all over again (yes, I know, temporary) but am I ready for that?
- The Unknown: This is open ended, but the fear of not knowing what it will be like to have 2 kids is scary. It would be helpful to have the knowledge after having one baby going into it the second time around, but I also know that every baby is different, so what worked for our daughter may not work for baby #2. And that’s scary, because it basically feels like we’re starting over from scratch (which I know isn’t the case). This fear is with most things in life though, so whether it’s an accurate fear to have is up to debate, but I figured I would list it here for completeness.
Imagining Life with Two Kids
A Day in the Life with Two Kids
I know I sound somewhat pessimistic when talking about having a second child, as I am more focused on the what could go wrongs (WCGW), but I also know there are many positives to having a second child. Of course I think about the adorable scenes of watching my daughter become a big sister. Yes, there would be an adjustment period for her (and that’s a whole separate beast to consider—making sure the first born doesn’t feel neglected, etc.) but I think she would like having a younger sibling.
In the beginning, I would like to think that our daughter would be a helpful big sister and could assist with little tasks in helping baby #2 (bringing mom a burp cloth, or bringing dad a clean diaper, etc.). In a way, baby #2 would be our daughter’s very own “doll” that she can help us raise and take care of.
As baby #2 gets older, our daughter could interact with her even more and start playing with her. Our daughter gets along well with others at daycare, so I could see her enjoying playing with a sibling. It would be cute that they have each other to play with and can be entertained between the two of them (throughout their childhoods).
Siblings as Adults
I also think about what their relationship would be as they get older and enter adulthood. It can’t be assumed that they would automatically be best friends. I would like to think they would be close, and stay in contact, even when they (may) start their own respective families.
I think about how as my husband and I get old, do I want our daughter to have to deal with our passings alone, or have a sibling by her side. I know very well that when it comes to death and parents’ wills/ trusts, it is never a smooth process between siblings. Everyone has their own opinions and everyone disagrees on certain aspects. Part of me thinks that it would be easier for our daughter to handle on her own, but the other part of me can imagine how lonely that would be. Although I’d like to think she will have other family (or friends) around her where she wouldn’t feel isolated going through a difficult period.
I know I’ve gotten a bit morbid, but these are all of the things that come to mind when I think about whether or not I want to have a second child. It’s not just about the child phase, it’s about their whole life. Yes, it would be cute to have two children growing up together side by side, wearing coordinated outfits, and having each other to talk to. But baby #2 doesn’t guarantee a friendship into adulthood.
My brother and I are 3.5 years apart, and while we were close growing up, once he hit grade school, he started to have his own friends and didn’t want anything to do with me (in the nicest way possible). We were fairly distant from ~6 years old to ~ 18 years old, as we entered school and started making our own friends. We had each other to talk to on vacation and at family events, but we weren’t each others’ go to confidants I would say.
Please don’t get me wrong, I love my brother and I am so thankful for him. He is my lifelong teammate and I am blessed to have him in my life. When our grandfather died my freshman year of college, my brother drove to my dorm and stayed the night with me. We started to bond more when I got to college, and we eventually planned a trip to London together. Since then we’ve been close and talk a lot (despite living in Nor Cal / So Cal).
So you’re probably wondering, if you have such a good relationship with your brother, don’t you want that for your daughter? Every sibling relationship is different; I know people who no longer talk to their siblings; I know people who have been best friends with their sibling their whole life. It is not always guaranteed that siblings are friends, either when young or as they get older. I also think that sibling relationships vary by gender (2 daughters, 2 sons, daughter and son, etc.). So in short, I have no idea what my daughter’s relationship with baby #2 would be like and I don’t want to have baby #2 just to give my daughter a companion.
Practicalities
Finances
One of the major practical decisions when deciding whether to have a second child is finances—can you afford to have another baby? Per Google, on average, it costs ~$300,000 – $400,000 to raise a child until 18 years old, and then adding on another ~$100,000 – $400,000 for college (varies by university). That’s a lot of money!
For my family’s situation, I think it would be feasible financially to have another child. My husband has joked that we could use this money to buy a car, or travel, etc., and he’s not wrong—there are always alternate uses to money, and $400,000-$800,000 is a lot of money that can be spent elsewhere. I think it’s important to think about your financial situation before having another child.
Space
Another practical consideration in deciding whether to have baby #2 is space—is your current house big enough to accommodate another child? Do you have another bedroom for your child? Or will baby #2 share a room with baby #1? Or do you need to move, sell your house and buy a bigger house (which will cost time and money)?
For my family’s situation, we are currently in a 4 bedroom/ 3 bathroom house, so in theory we could have baby #2 and they would be able to have their own room. However, for our situation, my husband and I both have an office at home since we work from home. My husband’s office is our guest bedroom too. So if we had baby #2 we would need to figure out how to consolidate 2 offices, a guest bedroom and a baby’s room into the 2 rooms available.
Would our daughter share a room with baby #2? At what age can kids share rooms? Depending on the age gap, I wouldn’t want our daughter stuck with a baby who is still waking up in the middle of the night —what a nightmare that would be. These are all logistical questions that I have not thoroughly thought through, but understand it would be important to consider before deciding to have baby #2.
Time
Are you ok with having less time? Having a second child will significant increase time pressures, stretching schedules thin as parents juggle infant needs with older child’s demands. This will cause less personal time, potential relationship strain and more complex logistics.
As the Accounting Momma, you know I thrive with a schedule; I am very time oriented (although I know I should be less so). I mentioned this earlier in the blog post, but I don’t think I am ready to give up more of my time. Time management can already be difficult with just one child, and I am not ready to add another baby into that management mix. While I do think my husband and I would feel more confident in our skills of raising a baby, time management will be a major challenge.
Support
How much support do I realistically have? I think it’s important to consider your level of support when deciding whether you want a second child. There is the saying “it takes a village to raise a child,” so it is good to assess whether you have the support to raise another child.
For my family’s situation, we have a lot of support, including both my husband’s and my parents, as well as my sister-in-law and her family of 5. We are very thankful to have the village that we do. I know that they would be very supportive of us having baby #2 and would love on him or her just as much as they do on our daughter.
Age
While age isn’t necessarily a practicality to consider (as women are having kids later and later in life), it is hard to not think about age, especially as a female. Geriatric pregnancy is considered pregnancy after age 35, which can include slightly higher risks for complications like gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, miscarriage or chromosomal abnormalities. These require close monitoring but are often manageable. With the technology and advancement in medicine that we have today, I consider these risks to be low (although always consult with your OB).
But again, I am still considering age as a factor in whether I want to have a second child. I am currently 33 years old, so I am below the geriatric pregnancy age, but I am getting older. I personally do not want to have a kid after age 40. So I have 7 more years to decide if I will have another child, but I know that complications do increase as I get older.
Further, the chance of having twins (especially fraternal) significantly increases as a woman ages, especially after age 35. Fraternal twins (which are not genetic) run in my husband’s family, somehow. So yes, this scares me, as I do not want twins; I do not think I could handle twins. If I’m already nervous about going from 1 to 2 kids, going from 1 to 3 is a jump that I do not want to make. I know I shouldn’t make a decision about having a second child on the chance of having twins, but it’s hard to not have it in the back of my mind.
Who Am I?
18 months postpartum and I am still not back to who I was before pregnancy. I know that I will never get back to who I was, as I am a new version of myself, but I don’t think I am at the version of myself that I want to be at yet. I am still figuring out who I am outside of being a mom.
Being a mom is an identity, and while it’s not my only identity, it does represent a large part of who I am, which I am grateful for. I just know that I need more time to focus on myself (outside of being a mom). I think it’s important for moms to consider their own well-being when deciding whether to have a second child. For so much of our life we put others (i.e., our babies) first, and our well-being last. It’s ok to be selfish and do what’s best for you (mentally and physically).
I can be an anxious person, and I worry a lot. While I’ll have the experience of having raised a baby before, every baby is different, so I think that my stress and anxiety will still be equally as high for baby #2. And I’m not ready for that additional stress and anxiety in my life.
Who's Voice Matters?
The decision to have a second child is not one for me to make alone. I have had multiple conversations with my husband about this topic. And while it’s usually me that randomly brings it up, he is on the same page with me on where we stand with (not currently) having baby #2. I have told him that if he ever does have a change of heart in wanting a second child to bring it up to me (even if I’m still going on about not wanting a second child). It’s important that we have an open and honest conversation about it as he is an equal (ish) decision maker in this process (I say “ish” as I am the one carrying this child and taking on the physical (and mental) toll of pregnancy).
It’s hard to not listen to comments from others who always want to share their opinion. Whether it’s “She [our daughter] has to have a sibling or she’ll be spoiled” or “She [our daughter] needs a sibling so she can have a friend,” there is always outside voices with input into your life. In the end, these outside voices don’t deserve any weight in the decision as to whether or not to have a second child.
A couple’s decision to have baby #2 (or a baby for that matter) is solely between the 2 of them. It is your life, it is your family, it is a decision for the two of you to make together. I am thankful to have such an amazing husband to go on this adventure of life (and parenthood) with!
Letting Go of the Urgency
Whenever I bring up the topic of baby #2 to my husband, I remind myself that we don’t need to answer this question now. It’s ok if we don’t have a set answer right now, and it’s ok if we change our mind later. I like to get answers as soon as possible, so it feels weird to wait, but for a decision like this, it’s important to be in the right space to make the decision.
While we don’t have a set time frame as to when we need to make this decision, we expect there to be a window where we may be open to having a second child, but we will eventually get to a point where it’s “too late.” Like I said, I don’t want to have a child at 40 years old, and honestly, having a child after 35 years old doesn’t entice me either.
I’m not currently ready to have a kid (when my daughter is 18 months old). I think that there might be a point where our daughter gets to a certain age, maybe 4 years old, where I won’t want to “start over” with baby #2. So that would leave a window of time where we may be open to having another kid, but we don’t know when that window will open, and at some point that window will close. But for now, we’re content with giving ourselves permission to wait on making a decision as to whether to have a second child.
The Now
My current feeling on having baby #2 right now is that I am not ready. Mentally, I am not ready for the added stress, anxiety and mental load of another kid. Physically, I would like to be in better shape before trying for baby #2. I gained 40 pounds during my first pregnancy, and I am not ready to gain that much weight again. Overall, I am not ready to give up what my little family currently has. And that’s ok (even when sometimes it feels like it isn’t).
A reminder to myself, and to others, that “I don’t know yet” is a valid place to stand when asked ‘Are you having another baby?’ My thoughts and feelings about baby #2 may change tomorrow, next month, next year. I guess we’ll just have to see where life takes me!