It’s the end of the day. My husband and I just finished putting our daughter down for bed. The house is finally quiet, but my mind isn’t. As we’re watching a go-to tv show (like New Girl), I’m replaying the day in my head. I’m looking at everything I could have done better for my daughter, over-analyzing everything she did today (did she eat enough vegetables? did she poop today? did she take a long enough nap?). These are the thoughts that go through my mind.
I’m always wondering if I’m doing enough, if I’m present enough, if I’m patient enough enough, if I’m grateful enough. And somehow, no matter how much I give, it still doesn’t feel like enough. That quiet, nagging voice in my head—mom guilt! And if you’ve felt it too, you are far from alone.
What is Mom Guilt?
The Constant Inner Critic
Growing up I wouldn’t have considered myself a perfectionist, but I did strive to do well in school, as well as in extracurricular activities. I was hard on myself, but not to the point of pushing myself to the brink. However, when I became a mom, I feel like I started to critique myself more than I used to.
I replay the day with my daughter and second guess decisions, looking to see what I could do better—should we have gone to the park instead of staying inside? should we have made dinner instead of eating out? should we have played with toys instead of watching that Disney movie?
My inner critic isn’t always all-consuming, but these questions do pop in my head and I look for answers. I want to be the best mom that I can be for my daughter, and I always want to look for ways to improve.
Besides the internal pressure, it’s difficult to not feel the external pressure in comparing myself to other moms—whether that’s celeb moms or mom friends. I’ll discuss the social media trap later, but it can be difficult seeing what other moms are doing and thinking “am I doing enough?” or “should I be doing that too?”
I know that I shouldn’t compare and should let my inner critic go, but that’s much easier said than done.
Vulnerability to Mom Guilt
My husband says that when I get emotional or anxious about something involving our daughter, it’s because I care deeply about her.And I do, I of course care about my daughter, so so much, which makes me feel vulnerable to guilt.
Maybe my guilt is misplaced proof of love for my daughter. Maybe feeling guilty helps me show how much I care about my daughter. As I type that, it sounds kind of crazy…I don’t need to feel guilty to show that I care. I believe the reverse is true—I care so much about my daughter that in turn causes me to feel the mom guilt.
Where Does Mom Guilt Come From?
Social Media and Comparison Trap
If you’ve been on social media, you know how alluring it can be seeing others’ posts and wishing your life was like that. But 99% of the time, people are only posting the “good”; most people don’t show the “bad”.
I remember watching a ‘day with a 9 month old with time stamps’ TikTok and it showed a mom who had the day filled with activities, the baby eating everything offered, the baby sleeping at nap time, and going down for bed at 7pm and waking up at 7am the next day. While, yes, this can happen, this is not a realistic depiction of a day in the life with a 9 month old.
Initially I felt rejected; my daughter was not napping like that, nor was she eating all of the meals I offered. But I know that TikTok, and social media as a whole, is not “real life”. However, I did take that video as a learning tool, and I tried some of the tips & tricks that the mom influencer noted in the video with my daughter, and heck, a couple of them worked. So while social media can be a falsified view of what a realistic day in the life with a baby is, it can provide helpful tools to solving the mysteries of parenthood.
This “perfect mom” culture needs to go away. Nobody is perfect. And it isn’t fair to put unrealistic expectations on moms to be the “perfect mom” and do everything right for their child. Parenthood is a learning experience. I’ve mentioned this before, but you can do all the prep and read all of the books before having a baby, but nothing prepares you for a baby until baby is here. So much of learning how to parent is hands on. It’s trial and error. And you learn what’s best for you & your family in the process.
Generational and Cultural Expectations
Way back when, it was a woman’s sole job to give birth and raise children. Society has slowly evolved from this, but if I look at previous generations in my family, the woman’s primary role was to raise the children. Growing up, my mom was a stay-at-home mom during the day, and worked evenings (when my dad would come home and care for me and my brother, and put us to bed). This is what worked for my parents, and it was fine for my brother and I.
I won’t go on a tangent about maternity leave in our country, but our country has made it incredibly challenging for women to have a child and work. I am very thankful for my work situation and the maternity leave I was given; however, the mom guilt still exists…should I be a stay-at-home mom? Should I be raising my daughter during this crucial developmental time in her life? But if I was a stay-at-home mom, how would I work and make money for our family?
There’s so much pressure on moms to “do it all”—be a good mom, be a good wife, make money for the family, cook, clean, etc. I feel pressure every day. There isn’t enough time in the day to do everything, and I’m slowly trying to realize that. And I have an incredible husband who doesn’t make me do it all—I just put this unnecessary pressure on myself.
Internal Perfectionism
I’m not sure if it was the way I was raised, or societal pressures, but I have always put high standards on myself, primarily in the educational realm. I strived for straight A’s. I strived to be an honors student. I strived to graduate summa cum laude from college. And looking back, it honestly all seems so silly. While I am thankful for the education I received, I didn’t need to put so much pressure on myself. I think I could still have gotten the opportunities I have (career wise) without the super high grades, etc.
But these high standards have been passed on to being a mom. I have high standards as a mom. I want to be the best mom I can be for my daughter. My daughter can’t even communicate her standards at this age, but I know that I have high standards for myself. I have a fear of failing my daughter. I want her to be proud of me and be thankful that I’m her mom.
Types of Mom Guilt
Working Mom Guilt
I never planned to be a stay-at-home mom. I didn’t want to give up my career to raise children. Maybe that’s selfish, but our society has typically deemed it the woman’s role to stay home and raise children. But as society has shifted, many more moms are working moms, trying to juggle work and raising child(ren).
While I don’t have some prolific career, I do like what I do and enjoy my job—it gives me fulfillment in life. However, I do still struggle with the working mom guilt. One of the biggest challenges of starting daycare (for me) was missing my daughter’s milestones. I loved that my daughter gets to learn and grow at daycare, but I was (and still am) worried that she will hit certain milestones while at daycare, and that I will miss the “first times”.
I remember around the age our daughter was starting to walk—her daycare teachers had informed us that she had been trying at daycare as well, and that they would not tell us when she took her first steps, so that we could witness her “first steps” ourselves. So I’ll never know if her first real steps were with us or at daycare.
Every day that I drop my daughter off at daycare, there is a part of me that wonders if I should be with her at home. Should I be the one raising her and teaching her at home during these early years? I don’t know. The grass is always greener they say. But I do know that we made the best choice for our family, and daycare was the best choice for my husband and I to still pursue our careers, while also balancing family and building our career.
Stay-at-Home Mom Guilt
On the reverse side, I think there would be stay-at-home mom guilt if I was not working and was a SAHM. One of the main reasons we chose daycare was for financial reasons. It made financial sense for our family to have 2 working parents while paying for daycare. Further, as I said, I like what I do, and I like that I can contribute financially to our family.
If I was a SAHM, the financial burden would fall solely on my husband. And I like that we are able to split the financial pressure, per se, and both work. We’re still young and we still want to go further in our careers, so being a stay-at-home mom (or dad) was not ideal for us at this time.
Further, I think I would feel the pressure of being a SAHM, and not knowing whether I am doing enough to contribute to my daughter’s learning and growth. There would be much more research needed on what I should be teaching her, as well as finding a social outlet for her. One of the things I value most from her daycare experience is the social aspect—she has made so many friends and interacts with so many kids on a daily basis. She wouldn’t get that same experience if I was a stay-at-home mom.
Guilt for Wanting Alone Time
Another type of mom guilt is the alone-time mom guilt. Everybody deserves to have their own time and space—it’s only natural, and especially for an introvert like me, I need some “me time”. During the early stages of parenthood, while I was exclusively breastfeeding, I would feel the constant need of being relied upon.
I think there will always be the feeling of being relied upon, as obviously, our daughter cannot take care of herself, so my husband and I have to work together to ensure we’re fulfilling her needs. She has been clingy to me lately and there are times where I tell her that I can’t hold her as I am trying to get other things accomplished (preparing her daycare lunch, cooking dinner, etc.). After I finish doing what I am doing, I ask her to ask me if she wants “up” and to say “please”.
There’s guilt around wanting and enjoying time away from your child(ren). I love my daughter, but I know that for my mental health, I need space and I need time to myself. I’m writing this blog post as I recently came back from a 4 day girls trip with some friends. 4 days away from my daughter. And I will be honest, it was tough.
I had only been away from my daughter overnight once, when she was 8 months old and my husband and I went to a friend’s wedding in Mexico—refer to First Trip Without Baby blog post. That trip was stressful in its own ways, as was this one. My first trip without my husband in 3 years, and my second time extended away from my daughter since she was born. I was beyond excited to go on this trip with my 2 best friends, but I worried that I would be too focused on “home life” while I was gone.
To save a long story, it was an amazing trip with my friends, and I think I was able to enjoy myself for the most part. While I had FOMO from not being at home with my family, I was able to stay up to date on their days through texting my husband, and I was able to FaceTime my daughter almost every night before bed. I think I was able to give attention to my friends (and myself) on this trip, which was really good for me and my mental health. And while I did feel guilty leaving, I know that it was the right choice, and my husband continued to reassure me that I shouldn’t feel guilty.
Marriage Guilt
In addition to the wanting-alone-time mom guilt, there is also the marriage mom guilt. It’s no surprise that your whole world shifts when having a baby—it’s not just you and your partner anymore, there’s a baby now. Especially in the newborn stage, marriage falls to the wayside, and while that’s normal, it’s important to make sure you don’t lose sight of it. I had heard about the “roommate phase” of marriage, where couples can turn into roommates, often happening after having a baby. My husband and I were active in avoiding this from happening.
And while we’re in a secure marriage, I still have guilt that I’m not giving enough attention/ time to my husband. My mind is always going at 100mph, and most of the time thinking about our daughter and her wants/ needs. But I need to remember my husband’s (and my) wants/ needs too. It’s important to have a healthy marriage and to find a balance between motherhood and marriage—I know it’s easier said than done.
My identity has increased from “wife” to also including “mother” now. And that is a major shift, for both me personally, but also for my husband (who also has a similar identity change), as we’re not just the two of us anymore, we’re three! The number one thing that has helped us is communication. We’re constantly communicating with each other, both from a me, we (husband and wife) and us (husband, wife, daughter) perspective.
Just the other day we were discussing the 2-2-2 rule, which for those of you who haven’t heard of it, is every 2 weeks = date night, every 2 months = weekend away and every 2 years = vacation. While we find this rule a bit aggressive, as it doesn’t seem to factor in time and money, we do like the concept of this 2-2-2 rule. We are hoping to plan more date nights in the coming months, instead of just for special occasions. As for trips, we have mainly been focusing on trips with our daughter, as we want her to travel and experience the world with us, but we do plan to ease into more trips for just the 2 of us.
Mom Burnout
Common lies that moms are told:
- Good moms don’t get tired
- Good moms are always patient
- Good moms never choose themselves
These are all myths that moms have been told. There is this stereotype around moms and “doing it all,” but I believe that healthy moms model balance and self-care, which can strengthen family dynamics.
A lot of the time moms try to overcompensate, such as saying yes to everything, or over-scheduling child(ren), or ignoring their own needs. Every mom wants to be the best mom, but the best mom needs to take care of herself first…it’s something that I’m still learning and adjusting to. The guilt I feel trying to be a perfect mom has led me to anxiety and exhaustion. The stress of trying to control it all is a lot.
There is a difference between guilt and growth. Some positives that come out of guilt include recognizing mistakes, repairing and apologizing. Guilt should not lead to self criticism. I’ve made mistakes, but I’ve reframed my mind to not tell myself “I am a bad mom” but instead “I had a hard moment, how can I learn from this?”
How to Overcome Mom Guilt
Lower the Standard of "Perfect"
Perfectionism is a personality trait characterized by striving for extremely high (often unrealistic) standards. And one’s definition of perfect can vary person by person, especially “mom perfectionism”. As moms we need to lower the standard of “perfect”…we all make mistakes, we’re all learning how to parent; it’s only natural to not be perfect.
I think it’s important to define what truly matters in your own home, within your own family. By determining what’s important, you (and your partner) can focus on what truly matters in parenting your child(ren). This can help lower the standard of “perfect” by having realistic goals related to certain areas. Moms can feel less stretched to the max, by concentrating on the important ideals and focusing less on what isn’t as crucial.
I feel the pressure of wanting to raise my kid in the best way possible, and wanting her to hit every milestone early. This isn’t realistic. I put too much pressure on myself (and my daughter) to get to these milestones sooner and sooner.
I remember when my daughter was first learning to eat and learning how to use utensils. I was getting so bummed because it was taking her (what I felt was) a long time. My husband sent me a TikTok around this time that was a mom making light of kids learning milestones at different times…she had one famous line “my daughter won’t be 40 and not know how to use a spoon.” This line helped get me through the utensil milestone, and has helped get me through other future milestones. Now with all of the “basic” milestones I reflect back on this video and know that my daughter will hit the milestones when she is ready. There is no need to rush her to hit a milestone.
Schedule Guilt-Free Time
Another way to help overcome mom guilt is to schedule guilt-free personal time. Even if you’re an extrovert, it’s important to protect your personal time. I am an introvert, so I need my own time. It’s harder to come by now, but I work with my husband to ensure that I (as well as he) get our own time.
The key to getting guilt-free time for yourself is communicating with your spouse. I’m very happy that my husband and I have such strong communication. We trade childcare with each other in order to get our personal time. For example, I have been trying to go to the gym more often, and I will go on the weekends at 8am—I will tell him ahead of time (to make sure there is no conflict on his end) and will include in our shared calendar.
Stop Consuming Triggering Content
While I mentioned a positive TikTok previously, I know that social media idealizes the “perfect mom” culture. It’s my own fault for consuming triggering social media content, but I know the there is good social media too. There is a balance that needs to be struck so that social media does not become a stressor and trigger of mom guilt.
On my 2025 bingo card I put ‘take social media break’—did I do it? No. No I did not. I don’t consider myself someone who over-uses social media. The primary social media platforms that I use are Instagram and TikTok. Social media has never prevented me from getting things done, but I wanted to have social media break on my bingo card just in case I felt like I needed to take one.
Talk About It Out Loud
I’m glad to finally be writing this blog post, as I know other moms feel the mom guilt too. I think all moms feel the pressure to be the perfect mom, the best mom. It’s important to know that you aren’t alone feeling this way. I’m still early into my motherhood journey, so I know the mom guilt will continue, but I hope it fades.
Talking about it out loud makes it more real, more normalized. The community shames moms for not being perfect, for not having it all together, all the time. But honestly, that’s bullshit. Talk about your feelings, with family, with friends, with your spouse. Let others know how your feeling so that you can work through what you need to, in order to be a happy, healthy mom.
What Your Child Actually Needs
I mentioned in the ‘Lower the Standard of “Perfectionism”’ section to define what truly matters in your home. What is your definition of perfectionism for your family? One of the most important aspects of parenthood that I value is presence. I want to be a present parent for my daughter; I want to go to all of her school events, I want to go to all of her after school (sporting, music, etc.) events.
What does my daughter actually need from me? I want to be a mother who models self-compassion, emotional intelligence, and a safe space for my daughter. I want my daughter to feel loved, safe and understood. Kids don’t need a flawless mom—they need a real mom, who tries, cares, learns and stays.
Mom guilt. It’s normal. It’s complicated. And it’s not talked about enough. There’s always thoughts racing through my mind, and questions of wondering whether I am enough as a mom. I’m still learning to manage my mom guilt, but I’m thankful to have this space to write about it.
To the mom who feels like you’re failing—you are not behind, you are not alone, you are not ruining your child(ren), you are learning and you are human. We got this mommas!